Things my brain wouldn't leave alone.

Living with AuDHD is weird because some weeks I feel like I can do everything. Other weeks, I can spend an entire day walking around my own house wondering what I was supposed to be doing.

This week has been one of those weeks.

It started with cleaning my bedroom. That was the plan. I picked up a cup to take downstairs, walked into the kitchen and somehow ended up scrubbing the entire kitchen instead. Cupboards, sides, everything.

The bedroom? Completely forgotten.

That pretty much sums up one of the biggest things I struggle with when it comes to executive function. I can be doing something, notice something else on the way, stop what I am doing, start the new thing, notice another thing, and suddenly I have six half-finished jobs and absolutely no idea what the original mission was.

I will pick up a plate to put it away. Halfway to the cupboard, I notice something on the side. I put the plate down and pick up the other thing. Then something else catches my attention.

Twenty minutes later, the plate is still sitting somewhere random and I am cleaning something I did not even know needed cleaning.

My brain basically runs on side quests.

The strange thing is that, from the outside, it can look productive. I cleaned the kitchen. I did something useful. But inside my head, there is still this feeling of, “Why can’t I just do the thing I actually planned to do?”

Tuesday was probably the clearest example of that. I spent most of the day feeling completely lost. Not sad exactly. Just lost.

I kept pacing around, trying to remember what I needed to do. I knew there were things I needed to do. I could feel them sitting somewhere in my brain, but I just could not grab hold of them.

That feeling is difficult to explain if you have never experienced it. You know you should be doing something, but there is no clear starting point. Every task feels important and invisible at the same time.

So I created an AuDHD cleaning log and a work schedule. Basically, I needed something outside my brain to tell me what my brain keeps forgetting.

A tick list. Something I can look at and think, “Right. That. Do that next.”

I have even had to add eating and drinking to it. At the moment, I seem perfectly capable of remembering that coffee exists. Actual food and water apparently require project management.

That is another part of ADHD that people do not always see. Sometimes the basics do not feel basic. Eating, drinking, cleaning, answering someone, starting work and getting dressed are all simple things, but when executive function disappears, knowing what to do and actually doing it can feel like two completely separate systems.

Then there is hyperfocus.

While I could barely organise myself during the day, I somehow managed to disappear into the new RuneScape game. That grind scratches something in my brain. There is always another goal, another number going up, another thing to work towards and another little reward.

My brain likes being active. It likes having something to chase. When there is nothing clearly in front of me, I often feel lost. When there is something that completely grabs my attention, I can disappear into it for hours.

Both things come from the same brain, which is probably one of the strangest things about ADHD. I can struggle to start something important for hours, then focus on something interesting until the rest of the world disappears.

Plans have been another big thing this week. I arranged to see a friend on Wednesday, and I was genuinely looking forward to it. Then Wednesday arrived and getting out of bed suddenly felt like too much.

The thought of getting ready, leaving the house, travelling, talking, being around another person and having to be switched on felt exhausting before I had even moved.

So I cancelled. Almost immediately, I felt better.

That feeling brings its own guilt. How do you explain that you really did want to see someone, but the moment the expectation disappeared, your whole nervous system relaxed?

It can make you question yourself. Was I actually tired? Did I not really want to go? Am I just being unreliable?

But sometimes I think the answer is simpler. Sometimes the pressure of having to do something becomes heavier than the actual thing. Removing the expectation removes the weight.

This week has also been heavy emotionally. There has been a lot happening with family, my relationship and friends, and my head has felt overloaded. I have had meltdowns and moments where I have wanted to disappear and hide.

I have even felt like I have been masking at home.

That one has been difficult. Home is supposed to be the place where the mask comes off. It is where you can stop performing, stop checking your face and tone, stop monitoring your reactions and stop worrying about how much of yourself you are showing.

When you feel like you have to mask there too, there is nowhere left for your brain to properly switch off. That is when burnout starts creeping in.

For me, tattoos have strangely become one of the things that helps. I joke that it is therapy week when I get tattooed, but there is something about it that genuinely resets something in my head.

For a few hours, there is one thing happening. One sensation. One place to be.

I am not pacing around trying to remember what I am meant to do. I am not juggling ten jobs or worrying about messages, plans and expectations. I just sit there.

Maybe that is why it helps. It forces my brain into the present.

This week has made me think a lot about how much of living with AuDHD is actually about building things around yourself. Lists, routines, timers, schedules, games, music, comfort things, whatever helps.

For years, I think a lot of us spend our lives trying to force our brains to work the way everyone tells us they should. Remember things. Focus. Stick to the plan. Stop getting distracted. Stop cancelling. Stop being too much.

Eventually, you start thinking that maybe the better question is not, “Why can’t I do this normally?”

Maybe it is, “What does my brain need so I can actually do this?”

Sometimes that answer is a chore chart. Sometimes it is cancelling plans. Sometimes it is RuneScape. Sometimes it is coffee. Sometimes it is getting another tattoo while your bank account quietly begs for mercy.

The point is that I am slowly learning that understanding how my brain works is more useful than constantly fighting with it.

I still get frustrated. I still lose entire days. I still walk into rooms and forget why I am there. I still start cleaning one thing and somehow end up renovating another part of the house.

But every time I notice one of these patterns, I understand myself a little more.

Maybe that is what this whole thing is about. Not becoming better at pretending my brain works differently, but becoming better at living with the brain I actually have.